Official Notice · Form 82-B

There's a registry for show dogs.
There's nothing for yours.
Until now.

The Census of Bad Dogs is open. Registration takes 60 seconds. Three recipes are coming—chicken, lamb, and salmon—each with real freeze-dried raw mixed in. Registered dogs eat first.

Every registered dog gets their official (C)RAP Sheet on the spot: name, aliases, documented offenses, prints. Suitable for framing.

Official intake

Form 82-B: Registration

All fields reviewed by the Census Bureau (a guy named Rafe).

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Step 1 of 3 · Subject identification

Dog's full government name The one you yell.

Known aliases The nicknames that stuck against everyone's will. Optional.

Age bracket

How much dog do you have?

Dogs in the household

The Bureau requires the subject's name, age and weight class.

Step 2 of 3 · Criminal history

Primary documented offense Writing “none” will result in rejection. Every dog has done something. Think harder.

What is the subject currently eating?

Does dinner currently require a bribe?

If the subject could order, they'd order:

The offense field is required. The Bureau has heard worse, we promise.

Notes from the Bureau

The important fine print

Why we're counting

The last run sold out. We made more this time. It is still not enough for everyone, so we count first, then make dinner. Registered dogs order first when doors open in August.

Know an unregistered dog?

Send their human here. We can't be everywhere.

If you don't know us yet

HumanFood is high-protein kibble with real freeze-dried raw mixed through the bag. It smells like food because it is food. But here's the real reason this exists: we are sick of the perfect pet. The dog in every ad, running through a field, glowing, obedient. That dog is not real. Yours is. Yours eats drywall and stares at you while doing it, and that is exactly why you love the thing. So show us. 4.86 stars across 82 reviews. One dog said no. She got her money back, no questions asked. That's the policy.

The Census of Bad Dogs is not affiliated with any government. Obviously. It is affiliated with dinner. Feed accordingly.