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Why we're counting
The last run sold out. We made more this time, and chicken is shipping now. The count tells us how much lamb and salmon to make, and who to tell first when they land.
Official Notice · Form 82-B
Registration received
![Official Census of Bad Dogs record]()
The record is official.
Save it, post it, or tape it to the refrigerator they steal from. Official numbered papers will follow by email. Registered dogs hear first.
On mobile, you can also press and hold the image to save it. Tag @feedhumanfood. The Bureau reshares its favorites.
Official intake
Form 82-B: Registration
All fields reviewed by the Census Bureau (a guy named Rafe).
Step 1 of 3 · Subject identification
Age bracket
How much dog do you have?
Dogs in the household
The Bureau requires the subject's name, age and weight class.
Step 2 of 3 · Criminal history
What is the subject currently eating?
Does dinner currently require a bribe?
If the subject could order, they'd order:
The offense field is required. The Bureau has heard worse,
we promise.
Step 3 of 3 · Processing
JPG, PNG or HEIC. The photo is used to create the record.
A valid email is required. The papers have to go somewhere.
There's a registry for show dogs.
There's nothing for yours.
Until now.
The Census of Bad Dogs is open. Registration takes 60 seconds. Chicken is shipping now. Lamb and salmon land this fall, both with real freeze-dried raw mixed in. Registered dogs hear first.
Every registered dog gets their official (C)RAP Sheet on the spot: name, aliases, documented offenses, prints. Suitable for framing.
Notes from the Bureau
The important fine print
Know an unregistered dog?
Send their human here. We can't be everywhere.
If you don't know us yet
HumanFood is high-protein kibble with real freeze-dried raw mixed through the bag. It smells like food because it is food. But here's the real reason this exists: we are sick of the perfect pet. The dog in every ad, running through a field, glowing, obedient. That dog is not real. Yours is. Yours eats drywall and stares at you while doing it, and that is exactly why you love the thing. So show us. 4.88 stars across 84 reviews. One dog said no. She got her money back, no questions asked. That's the policy.
The Census of Bad Dogs is not affiliated with any government. Obviously. It is affiliated with dinner. Feed accordingly.